We really do know where you live.
We know everything about you. Your phone number, your drivers license, your bank account, credit card number, home address. We know if you're married, how many cars you have, if you're cheating on your wife, hitting your kids, doing drugs. We know that. We know where you work. We know when you're home, and when you're away.
Are we some super secret national security agency? Hell no, Homeland Security's got nothing on us. We deliver your pizza, and we know where you live. Plus they don't get tips.
Ever since I started driving air conditioning parts around for my dad at 16, I have considered delivery driving to be one of the finest professions extant. You get to drive around, listen to the radio, don't have to hang out in a dull office, and you actually get paid for it. How cool is that?
I started running around again as a pizza driver for a second job a couple of years back, just to get a little extra spending cash, and haven't regretted it. However..................may I make a few suggestions to customers everywhere?
First of all, we are human beings, not machines that happen to deliver pizza, real people. We do not deserve to be unloaded on by whatever sort of lower level hell you went through today. Especially do not blame us for things beyond our control. Feel free to be courteous. Smile. Absolutely do not just shove money us and try to grab the pizza without even returning our hello. I try to be nice to you. You don't have to invite us in for tea and crumpets, but be polite.
Always turn your light on. It's frickin' dark out there.
Have you considered placing something large, and easily identifiable for your address out there? It's not just me, you may have a heart attack and want an ambulance some day.
If you live a ways out, or have a large or difficult order, tip. For that matter, unless something's screwed up, please tip period. At least a little. I could argue reasons, but it would take awhile, and believe me, it's worth the couple of bucks.
Don't write hot checks. We ALWAYS get our money in the end. I don't think we've failed to collect in the last 2 years. It just ends up costing you an extra forty bucks a pop. If you write three or four? Ouch.
Tie up your dogs or I won't even get out of the car. I don't care if they're rotweillers, or frickin' chihuahuas.
Have an idea what you want when you call.
Don't do anything in front of a pizza driver you wouldn't do in front of your own grandmother. This includes sex, drugs, and questionable rock n' roll. We see everything.
A corallary to this is I won't sleep with you if invited in. If I slept with someone who invited total strangers into their home and their beds, the only question involved is what color my genitals would turn before falling off on the way back. No, I don't want to buy drugs. I don't want to see them either. If you smoke a joint and get the munchies for a pizza, that's one thing, selling is another. And I don't care how you threaten me, if you show me evidence that you're dealing, I'm calling the frickin' cops on your ass. If it's meth again, I'll do it double fast.
Don't order pizza and then rob the driver. If you're dumb enough to do this, don't try to beat him up. First, you won't make any money. Any pizza driver worth his salt turns in his cash when it gets to be too much. Second? You'll get caught, often as not. You wouldn't believe how often this has happened. And every single time I've heard of someone raping a driver they got caught, so don't try this either. Trust me, you're not special.
Third, I'm a hundred and eighty pounds of muscle, I can take being hit plenty, and I will catch your ass. And cut it up. I don't deliver anything without some kind of weapon handy. A knife at the least. You can try running, but I do marathons. Not a good idea. Try robbing the store instead. You'll make more money, and if you're non-violent, you've even got a fairly good chance that no-one will try to stop you.
Don't try to pass off large bills. We can't/won't break them.
Alright, you've got some suggestions, now the reasons. To start, again, we know everything about you. Why? Because you told us. You called us, and it all goes in our computers. You give us checks with all your personal information. We show up, and can tell tons at a glance, especially if you're dumb enough to fool around in front of us. What can we do with that?
If we're really unscrupulous, identity fraud. Very easy with all that info. If you're doing something illegal, from drugs to zoning violations, we can call the cops. If I want to be really nasty, I'll call you're wife. Did she know you were doing that? In a military town, I'd bet she didn't.
We deliver food. Food. That you put in your mouths. Do you really want to wonder if that's a piece of burned cheese, or something.......special? Got mono?
If I drive 15 miles round trip to your house and back, and you don't tip? Guess what. That was your last pizza. It literally ends up costing us money when you don't tip us. Several times in a row, and you can drive around for an hour and make nada. For a suggestion, two or three bucks in town. In the country, at least four or five bucks.
Rude and nasty to us? Same thing. No more pizza. If it's my fault, I will apologize profusely and try my best to straighten things out. I've paid out of pocket occasionally for my errors.
Ride me too far or give me too much crap when it's not my fault, and I'll tell you where to stick your pizza, and it won't be in the oven or the refrigerator. They're not going to fire me, and I wouldn't care if they did. All that happens if I tell you off is that we lose ten dollars a month from someone we don't want to do business with anyways. Trust me. We'll make up for it. And the look on your face when I return fire is definitely worth it.
All that said, for the most part I enjoy the job. And most people are at least courteous. Sometimes I meet some really cool people. But don't abuse us. Look around in traffic on the way home for the car signs. That's right. We're everywhere. Everywhere. I'm working tonight, so let's just be cool and have fun doing business, okay?
Oh yes, and don't let your three year old answer the door by themselves and naked. Or your thirty year old for that matter............