New evidence, torture causes deaths at Guantanamo.

Published on October 9, 2005 By Spc Nobody Special In Humor

Oct 9.

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba - Today contraversy continues to rage over allegations of the use of torture by CIA and military officials at Guantanamo Bay to obtain information from alleged terrorists. Said George Bush, "damn it, it's working ain't it? We've uncovered at least three credible Al Qaeda plots to kidnap and kill Barney and Mss Beazley. No way we're going to have an act of terrierism on my watch!

Despite red hot denials of the use of torture, the new Chief Justice Roberts, who up until recently worked at "Gitmo" said this, "Now I ain't saying we're torturing those dumb bastards, but for crying out loud, even if we did, they're the same people that are killing soldiers. Hell, we've got one guy that blew up a Ben and Jerry's in the Green Zone with an RRBIED (Rocky Road Based Improvised Explosive Device) Blowing up ice cream? Now that's just plain unamerican."

It is thought that this refers to White House policy, that as unregistered combatants, terrorists are not legal Prisoners of War, and are not subject to the rights provided by the Geneva Convention. Besides, terrorists suck ass. (well, it's very lonely at night in the desert.........but what the hell, at least the donkey's happy.)

As part of our continuing expose, we bring you this latest, from our inside source, Lance Corporal "Snuffy." "Dear Lord, it was inhumane. I joined the Marines to serve my country, but this? They made one guy watch the WB channel for hours. You could see his mind go, his eyes glazed, after a couple of days, he lost so much intelligence he couldn't even speak."

"And there was another guy, they made him write satirical blogs in a room with three litter boxes. And if he didn't want to smell it, he had to get this, change the litter himself."

Another Army source, ex-Pfc Amy Wintergreen had this to say, "We were supposed to dress up in these slinky little bikinis and g-strings, right? And get all lubed up and rub on them, because that makes them, like unclean, you know? And I don't mind, 'cause that's my second job when I'm stationed at Ft. Hood anyways. Is my mom gonna read this?"

"Anyways, so we went in there and I think it worked 'cause they kept rubbing the oil off on themselves and saying "oh allah, oh allah, oh allah.........." But they still treat me real nice outside the torture room, ya know? One even drew my picture on his wall."

Where will it all end Mr. Bush? Next week we investigate the rumors that Muslim prisoners are not only failing to receive the opportunity to worship, using prayer mats and the Koran, they are actually being forced to shave their beards and convert to Unitarianism, dancing and reciting inspirational poetry.

Do you see what they've become? Do you? How can you sleep at night?

Comments

Moderateman

on Oct 09, 2005

you have a wonderfully demented mind, my kinda man!!

If there is anyone alive at gitmo after being forced to watch the WB for hours upon hours, we might have a new sitcom from it.
The Allah Franken variety hour, kind of a laugh in for the new century.

Spc Nobody Special

on Oct 09, 2005

The Allah Franken variety hour, kind of a laugh in for the new century.

Pun-tastic. Ouch.

p.s. why is there always a quotation mark at the end of my articles, dang it?

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