Got any good (or bad) jokes?

this may get ugly.......

Published on November 27, 2004 By Spc Nobody Special In Humor

Got any jokes? Good, bad, I don't care. I'm just wanting to start a long points whoring session and build up a library of bad jokes.

I'll start with one I heard today,

Two old lady's are standing outside a nursing home smoking, when it begins to rain. Nonchalantly, one old lady pulls out a condom, pokes a hole in one end, and puts it over the cigarette, continuing to smoke. The other old lady looks at her and says, "what on earth is that for?" First old lady replies, "I got it at the pharmacy. I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when it rains."

So the other old lady goes down to the pharmacy the next day, and asks the druggist for a pack of condoms. Slightly embarassed, he turns away from the other customers, and asks in a quiet voice, "What kind do you want ma'am?" She replies in a loud voice, "Oh it doesn't matter, any kind'll do, just so long as it fits a Camel."

Let the pain begin. (oh yeah, limericks and puns allowed, have fun!)

Comments

Shovelheat

on Nov 27, 2004

A sperm all alack and forsooth
seeking its moment of sexual truth
and when the time came
to jump into the game
it was dashed to its death on a tooth!

Tisane

on Nov 27, 2004

DRINKING POEM

SOTALLY TOBER
Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

Tisane

on Nov 27, 2004

Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Tisane

on Nov 27, 2004

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

(how many do you want? I have hundreds!)

Spc Nobody Special

on Nov 28, 2004

heh heh.......

A man of unusual bent,
Had a penis so long it paid rent,
To his girlfriend's delight,
It took him all night,
For his come just to get where it went.

new one, I just love autobiographies..............

(how many do you want? I have hundreds!)

in response

points whoring session

as you can see, my pride is not a consideration here, fire away.........

latour999

on Nov 28, 2004

What do Bush and the CIA have in common?
They both have faulty intelligence

What's the difference between Cheney and Saddam?
One will torture and kill innocent Iraqis just so he can get rich off Iraqi oil money, and the other has a moustache.

Hyperborean Wanderer

on Nov 28, 2004

the following limerick is attributed to the late science fiction author and science pioneer, Isaac Asimov:

a girl from North Carolina
laid harpstrings across her vagina
and with proper sized cocks
what was sex became Bach's
Tocatta Fugue in G minor.

Spc Nobody Special

on Nov 28, 2004

Isaac Asimov:

good limerick, I'd heard that he wrote a book of dirty limericks, along with his numerous other works of science and science fiction. Here's one of his that I'd heard.

There once was a girl from Peru,
Who swore that she never would screw,
Except under stress,
Of forceful duress,
Like I'm ready, how about you?

SSG Geezer

on Nov 28, 2004

What is the difference between the Army and the Boy Scouts?

Adult leadership!

fox_in_the_snow

on Nov 28, 2004

Hey, I heard your ankles were having a party. Why not invite your pants down to celebrate?

fox_in_the_snow

on Nov 28, 2004

2)
Two twits were walking in a clearing when they came across something interesting below their feet.
"It's deer tracks!", exclaimed the first twit.
"No, silly, it's bear tracks!", cried the second twit.
And so they stood there and argued back and forth, refusing to leave the issue alone.

They were still bickering when the train hit them.

3)
Q. How do you kill a blue elephant?
A. Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q. How do you kill a pink elephant?

A. Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Spc Nobody Special

on Nov 28, 2004

Hey, I heard your ankles were having a party. Why not invite your pants down to celebrate?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

Spc Nobody Special

on Nov 28, 2004

My favorite on the bad pick-up lines was,

-Girl, you look so good I want to put you on a plate, and sop you up with a biscuit.-

Muggaz

on Nov 29, 2004

Q: How did the boy fall off the bike?

A: Someone threw a fridge at him!

hahaha...

lifehappens

on Dec 02, 2004

Q: How did the boy fall off the bike?A: Someone threw a fridge at him!hahaha...

hahahahhahahahhahahhahah I LOVE IT! What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A STICK!

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