For those of you who have not noticed, the world is a strange place, and many of the true tales are weirder than any movie. So, since I'm a geek, and a slight history buff, I'm pleased to introduce the first episode of Candy from strangers.

Wierd little bits and pieces I've picked up here and there that are cool enough to read in a short blip, but boring and annoying in a real life story. And most importantly, since I read a lot, visit museums, etc, but don't have the patience to chronicle each source for the unwashed masses and debate over it, I don't particularly have to care if you believe me.

Tonight? A story you won't hear in the Texas history books.

Did you ever wonder how Texas got it's independence from Mexico? Well, the Alamo will always be sacred to my heart, but let's face it. The Texans shot a bunch of untrained, underarmed conscripted Indians that had been forced to march hundreds of miles, and they still died. Santa Anna had the far superior numbers, tactics, arms, etc, and should have kicked their butts. They called him the Napoleon of the West for a reason. (He must be good, he regained power eighteen times and he invented chewing gum!)

The short, probably mistated version goes like this. A bunch of farmers get in a pissing match over religion, taxes, and the right to have slaves (there were eleven in the state at the time) with the Mexican government and decide to become autonomous. The Estados Unidos rallies to their cry and sends bumpkis to help out except a few handfuls of men who wandered down on their own. (most notably Davey boy of the coonskin caps.....and please for Christ's sake, I don't care what you saw on TV, he's NOT the same guy as Daniel Boone.)

Story short? The Texans get their collective asses kicked. They win a few minor battles, (Remember Goliad!)and inflict pyrrhic victories upon the Mexicans (and the Alamo!!!), but in the end, they get locked down on a sorry ass piece o penninsula with their ass to the water (the San Jacinto, it's lovely, near Harrisburg, visit some time. Bring cash.) and Mexicans all around them, and five other Mexican armies running around consolidating power.

So what does Santa Anna de Lopez do? His favorite whore of course. A reputedly beautiful mulatto girl (hence the yellow rose of Texas) named ironically enough, Emily Green (some versions read different and/or say Emily Morgan. Now while while little General Annie is trying to get the sun to come out of Emily's tommorow, (yeah, I took it there, whatcha gonna do Daddy Warbucks?) his men start to chillaxe in the vernacular and take a nap before the big battle. (If you think this sounds ridiculous, you've never had a long ass ruckmarch in the Texas heat.)

So the Texans are freaking out, when word comes back from the pickets. (that's guards/sentries for all ya'll who aren't civil war type freaks) At first the Texans don't believe their ears. But it turns out to be true, so they sneak past Santa Anna's non-extant guards, and start cutting throats. The Mexicans wake up and panic, and Santa Anna goes flying out the door with his pants around his ankles, sees it's all gone to shit, and grabs some private and steals his uniform.

Sorrily for him, his ankle gets jacked up. I can't remember, but I think it might have been hit by a miniball. Why not? It makes a good story. So he get's rounded up and taken prisoner, when someone recognizes him. Next thing, he's made an offer he can't refuse, (God, I love that movie) and he signs papers sending the other armies away, which the generals actually obey. Nitwits. Then a peace treaty.

A few years and at least one very drunken president (Sam Houston) later, the Republic became the State of Texas, and except for a lot of heavy vigilante killings over a border dispute (that's another story, the Texas Rangers weren't always the good guys), peace was preserved 'til the war with Mexico.

How do you know it's true? It's juicy and it has sex in it. That's why. Frickin' pricks bowdlerizing history.......

And that's candy from a stranger. Would you like to see my tootsie pop? Just get inside the van....

Yours truly,

nbs