I hotwired a minivan and drove away....

So what if it was mine?

Published on September 19, 2004 By Spc Nobody Special In Humor

Ah hah!!!! yes I have a minivan.....(hangs head in shame.) I bartered it for a beat up piano I had so I could have something to drive while I do the body work on my mustang. So it has 200,000 miles on it (the van, not the mustang), there's nothing functionally wrong with it except it eventually needs another engine (not as bad as it sounds, I can pick up something decent here at the junkyard for about $300.)

Aesthetically speaking, it could use work.....like replacing the dinged up hood, the headliner, the trim on the side, and just for kicks, why not paint it dark black with clear coat and flames racing down the side.

However yesterday, all was well until I tried to go home from work. I hopped in the van, turned my key in the ignition........and nothing happened. Busted ignition switch, damn. Couldn't leave it where it was at, our post has a wonderful.....and oddly selective towing policy on "abandoned vehicles. Didn't have a new lock switch handy, and couldn't afford to tow it.

So I pulled out the old Grand Theft Auto skills, and hotwired my car. Damn, I'm rusty. Wouldn't you know I found the hot wires (apparently on newer cars there's more than one) right away, but not the other two, until I'd cut the last two (of seven) attatched to the ignition switch. What ever happened to the cars with a three wire ignition switch you could do easy, sometimes under the dash without ever opening the steering column?

So now I'm out twenty bucks for a switch, and an extra hour rewiring what I cut. So what? I made it home. And it was worth it to know I've still got mad car theiving skills. How manly. Now if I'd ever actually used them to steal a car, they might be worth something. Like a jail sentence. Yeah. Real cool.

No, I'm not going to tell you how, you johnny carjacker. Learn your vulgar criminal type skills from your dad, like I did, or look them up online. Oh yeah, and if you touch my car? You may have trouble driving it, because I will personally stick a carnivorous squirrel up your butt. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!!!"

Comments

chiprj

on Sep 19, 2004

So I pulled out the old Grand Theft Auto skills

When I read this, I thought to myself, I'll add something in a comment about MAD SKILLS!!! But then I read further, and...

I've still got mad car theiving skills

I read that... Oh, well, I still got to work in MAD SKILLS...

I've never hot wired a car before, but I used to have MAD SKILLS with a looped hanger and old style lock buttons. I actually kept a wire hanger wrapped around my tail pipe so I could break into my '77 Impala. I got into a habit of locking the keys inside for a while.

on Sep 19, 2004

I simply cheated by having another car door key in my wallet. I don't take my wallet out to drive so...

dharmagrl

on Sep 19, 2004

I used to have MAD SKILLS with a looped hanger and old style lock buttons

Ha! I have Slim Jims...the real deal, baby!

I've never hot wired a car before either...but I'd sure like to try!!!!

LadyCleve

on Sep 20, 2004

I had to learn yesterday, just in case the van has to be moved and he's not around. Sure got some strange looks from people at church when he said something about hotwiring.

Texas Wahine

on Sep 20, 2004

Sure got some strange looks from people at church when he said something about hotwiring.

Spc Nobody Special

on Sep 20, 2004

Ha! I have Slim Jims...the real deal, baby!

yes, but don't you keep them in your ca.......oh wait, nevermind. Just don't bend the rods, I hate when people bend the rods. Some idiot tried to break into a tercel I had back in college. I'd have given him anything in the car for the asking.

And nevermind the large rock on the ground next to the car, this criminal mastermind had to try to slim jim the locks. So instead of replacing one window, a $30 dollar radio, and being out five bucks worth of crap in the back seat, I got to spend hours taking apart the door and straightening the rods.

And polishing the scratches out of the windows. And oh yeah, welding in a plate and replacing the trunk lock where they chiseled it off with a screwdriver and hammer, and still couldn't figure out how to get in with the release rods exposed.

Hummm.....Let's see, I've got a rock and a hammer, and at least 20 minutes or more to jack up your car trying to get in.....I know, lets try it the hard way!!!! Frickin' amateurs....

dharmagrl

on Sep 20, 2004

Just don't bend the rods, I hate when people bend the rods.

I've never done that. Don't think there's too much danger of me doing that to be honest, I don't slim jim that much. I like to practice on cars that don't have power locks (gives you a good idea of the layout, the general lock mechanisim and how it feels to have the...well, you know what I'm talking about), and those are getting few and far between. Even our hoop-de jeep has power locks.

Texas Wahine

on Sep 20, 2004

Heh . . . best thing to do is to leave your doors unlocked and leave your CD case in clear view in the front seat . . . like $300 worth of CDs . . . I did not do this . . . someone in my family who will remain unnamed *cough* *Adrian* *cough* did this. However, there was no damage to the car at all, so I guess that was a plus.

dharmagrl

on Sep 20, 2004

However, there was no damage to the car at all, so I guess that was a plus.

That's 'cos he left the door unlocked. easy pickin', babe.....

SSG Geezer

on Sep 20, 2004

If you own a convertible that's the way to go. whatever you lose is cheaper than a new top.

chiprj

on Sep 20, 2004

My wife once had the car broken into while she was working. They did a good job of it. No damage to the car. They took the CD player and all the CD's (mostly Korean music) and also anything else they could grab to include her glasses. Her prescription glasses.

You know, I understand theft. People do it. They get stuff for free. It's a thrill. Whatever. But these sorry sacks of s#!t took her glasses. WTF!?!?!? Glasses!?!?!?!? That really pissed me off more than anything else. I mean, what are they going to do with them? Pawn 'em for a few bucks, right? Putting someone's life at risk for s$20 extra bucks. My wife needed those glasses to drive home! I swear to God, I'm willing to write off everything else they took, but I'd make them pay with blood for the glasses. You put my wife in danger and you better have an escape plan. Man, I'm all pissed off again just thinking about it! I need to calm down before I read anything else...

SFC C

on Sep 23, 2004

You know...I offered to help you...but LT K said "no way man...I got it..."

greywar

on Sep 27, 2004

The best part of this was the security guy handing you tools! lol

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