At the wednesday night edition of the Republican Convention, there was a small surprise,(at least to me) a speech by democrat senator Zell Miller. While at least claiming to still be very much a democrat, as far as the war in Iraq and John Kerry's voting record were concerned, he seemed very republican, or at least anti-Kerry. Cool.
This however is incidental and, and if it turns into another Kerry vs. Bush debate, by all that is holy I swear I'll pull the article. The indirect connection it had with my topic was the line that was in my opinion the best (i.e. the funniest) in the speech, where after accusing John Kerry of voting against what seemed like damned near every weapon system ever made, he asked how he would have us (i'm a soldier) fight the war "armed with what, spitballs?"
At first I laughed, then I thought, what a great idea! It's a perfect shortrange ballstic weapon. Failing my idea for substituting war with a Star Trek type circle of death between world leaders (they'd be sure to change the Constitution to let Ahnold in the white house, I'd just like to see him alone in the ring with Fidel Castro for 5 minutes), replace the weapons of the world with spitballs and go to it. Imagine the savings in collateral damage alone!!!
"The M-1 spitball tube is a 5.56mm gas powered, residue cooled weapon that can be fired in a single shot or semi automatic mode from a lip (or for the strong of flatulence) or ass position. It weighs approximately 1 oz. and has a point target range of 5 yards, and an area target range of 8 yards."
Mujahadin would spend hours of their day in ritual cleansing, alone after a big battle, giving us a huge combat multiplier. We could also test the spitball mortar round, but efforts in high explosive air to surface spit missle development will have to wait until saliva rationing can be implemented in the united states.
The spitball tube is easily modified from a ball point pen, and has the advantages of being lightweight, as well as a ready supply of ammunition that can be made in an emergency....say from negative counseling statements, or the army statement of what your indirect benefits are worth monetarily. You can also change ammunition to heavier grades of paper, which would naturally provide better covering fire, and have possible armor piercing capablities as well as leaving really nasty welts.
Furthermore, I dare say that very few american soldiers have ever suffered casualties from spitball friendly fire incidents. (With the possible exception of the Oh my god, my eye, my f#$@ing eye incident at my old unit in Korea.) I think the only thing better would be to make an artillery round that fired bread at the N. Koreans as they stormed past the DMZ. It would be sure to stop them dead in their tracks. Until then, I guess I'll have to do my part to help stop "bad guys" the old fashioned way.
Spc nbs
P.S. If you have spitball or other funny alternative weapons/combat ideas, post them here. If it's political or about whether or not we should be in the war, I'll hunt you down and feed your firstborn to the squirrels, eyeballs first.