Santa Claus sued by P.E.T.A.

Film at eleven........

Published on December 24, 2006 By Spc Nobody Special In Humor

December 24th, Santa's Workshop, North Pole.

Today, with only hours remaining before the largest delivery of the fiscal year, Saint Nicholas aka "Santa Claus" aka "Father Christmas " was served with an injunction, as well as a subpoena to appear in local courts regarding an investigation into the possible mistreatment of animals in his care, namely nine specimens of the Great Northern Scandinavian Carribou.

Legal action was instigated by left wing animal rights association P.E.T.A., or People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Said spokesperson Ima Esshool, "We've had our eyes on Mr. Claus for some time. We think that it's simply barbaric that in this day and age someone would be so cruel as to actually use these magnificant creatures to do harsh manual labor. It is an unjust infraction of the animals' human rights."

"Furthermore, we have reason to believe that Mr. Claus has participated in illegal genetic manipulation, crossing their genes with those of avians, and in one particular case has experimented with radioactive mutagens, causing a swollen, possibly cancerous red nose that actually glows in the dark. Unbelievable."

Mr. Nicholas is the C.E.O. of a large corporate nonprofit venture dealing in importation of raw products, and the exportation and divestment of pre-adult stimulation products. As a large head of local industry, he has had run-ins with P.E.T.A. before. Most notable, were the tossing of red paint onto the white fur linings of his suit, although he was able to laugh
it off, and has even taken to wearing red suits as a sort of inside joke at the incident.

However, it appears that ole "Saint Nick" may be taking this one a little more to heart. Despite plummeting stock (Oh, dear lord, please let someone get the pun), he appears to be constantly going around in an overly jovial mood, laughing at almost anything. Furthmore, recent tabloid photos have led to speculation that he may be suffering from an over-eating disorder, plus a bout with alcoholism, causing broken and inflamed veins in his cheeks and his nose.

Some have even gone so far as to speculate that he may be suicidal, notably he hasn't shaved in months, and is simply going around giving away his possessions. In an attempt to verify the rumors, we have contacted longtime friends and associates of Mr. Nicholas, Mr. Keebler, and Frosty T. Snoman, heads of the Elvish Civil Liberties Union (ECLU), and the North Pole Association for the Advancement of Snow People (NAASP) respectively.

Mr Keebler had nothing to say at this time, however Mr. Snoman stated "I wish that we could all just get along here at Christmas time. Why can't they just let us be?" Mr. Snoman has faced recent troubles of his own, with eco-terrorists spiking the flora in the nearby Candy Cane Forest to prevent deforestation. Mr. Snoman owns a logging industry, and recently one of his workers lost a button nose and an eye made out of coal when his chainsaw hit one of the spikes.

When asked about their future goals, P.E.T.A. commented that they were thinking of expanding into the Middle Eastern region, where they have been conducting similar investigations into the Three Magi Corporation, the sheep herding industry, and the misappropriation of mangers as birthing tables.

Comments

Spc Nobody Special

on Dec 24, 2006

And pre-emptively, no, i didn't post the picture of the kitten as anything suggesting peta was jewish. It was more because it was more the humor of mocking the ethical treatment bit with a kitten in a sect of judaism known for it's high ethical standards.

That and Hassidic kittens are funny and I can't get the edit function to frickin' pop up so I can erase it and fix the picture of Billy Bob.

MM Lurkingaroundtolazytosignin

on Dec 24, 2006

What a terrific read, very funny, well thought out and sadly could be true if ol Saint Nick was real.

Dr Guy

on Dec 25, 2006

One leetle problem. The press would never call anyone left wing. Either progressive, or mainstream, but never left wing.

But a good one!

foreverserenity

on Dec 26, 2006

This is an hilarious piece and I almost believed it, at first!

SilentPoet

on Jan 05, 2007

!

Brilliant...

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