Heart attack!!!

A rant.

Published on November 3, 2005 By Spc Nobody Special In Humor

So I'm sitting at home, getting ready for a job interview.........and I get a call.

"Hello, may I speak to Benjamin - -----."
"This is 1st Sergeant Enter Generic Name Here from the 3 Corps reserve unit."
"You do know you're registered with the Individual Ready Reserves, right?"

significant pause

cautious "riiiiiiight."
"Well I'm calling to let you know about reserve units in the Austin, Ft. Hood area and..."
"Excuse me, I'm NOT interested in joining the reserves."
"You'd rather take you're chances with the inactive reserves (not the correct name by the way) then?"
"That's right, thank you"
"Okay then, goodbye."

ARRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHGGHHHH!!!!!!!! What are you trying to do???? Stop my f--king heart??? There was a little more that I don't recall exactly, but the first thirty seconds of phone call made it sound like I was being recalled. Shit. You do NOT mess with a guy that just got out that way. Not cool. No way.

And not only did I turn ya'll down on the reserve stuff twice, but now you're calling me at home? LEAVE ME THE F__K ALONE!!! I've got one year left on IRR, and you call it taking my chances as opposed to signing up for the reserves, knowing damned well I'll be called up and sent somewhere? Jeez.

And if you wanted any chance with me at all, you don't start by asking me questions about my IRR and scaring the shit out of me. I feel like the old man in the Jeffersons when he'd fake a heart attack. GYUHAQ#$T)*(&^!%^^!)*#%^Y*)#TYQ*)#$ ^*)!#^$%*)^!*#$^*)^Y*!)^*#)^%*)%^T*)^@*)%^*^!*)^%*)(!$#ing sons of bitches!!! You're on crack!!! No, that's too insulting to crack whores. You're fricking high on Army!!! Good day, sir! I said good day!!!

End rant here.

Comments (Page 2)

Dr Guy

on Nov 05, 2005

Tha's right. And this is about to be Kill Bill 1,

Glad I am not Bill.

Nadeon

on Nov 05, 2005

Having been a USAR recruiter in one of my past lives, just a word of caution about the IRR. At some point you will receive a notice in the mail to "update" your records. It's legitimate, but it is also used for other questionable practices. USAAC (U.S. Army Accessions Command) formerly known as USAREC (U.S. Army Recruiting Command), has an "arrangement" with HR Perscom (Used to be ARPERSCOM, Army Reserve Personnel Command, I guess adding HR makes it more "current"?). The information you "update" is shared with the local USAR recruiter so he/she can contact you about joining a TPU (Troop Program Unit; ie Reserve unit). That's pretty normal in the recruiting world. But here's the insideous part. If HR PERSCOM has a current phone number on you, and USAR recruiting numbers are down, as they are now, you will receive a call from them to again "update" your records, (ostensibly to make sure you receive notification about any "important" information regarding your service time (legitimate examples were agent orange and possible biological/chemical exposure in Gulf I). You will be asked a series of questions, most of which are pretty mundane, (what was your highest grade, last duty assignment, etc). Be very, very careful how you respond, and listen closely to the questions regarding Reserve TPU membership. You will be asked if you have any interest in Reserve units and if you are aware of the benefits of TPU membership. If you express any interest what-so-ever, prepare to be slammed. Yup, just like the old long distance switcheroo. Your status will be changed from IRR to TPU, and you will receive orders to your nearest Reserve unit having your MOS or a reasonable substitute, if you have provided them with a current address. Actually you will have orders issued even if you never receive them.

If anyone out there doubts this, just start asking around, and you'll find it to be quite true. I discovered it quite by accident. As a recruiter, we would receive IRR lists (all branches by the way, although I was Army) to contact as potential leads for joing a Reserve unit. I would dutifully contact the persons on those lists if possible and do the USAR "pitch". Quite often, (in another age, post Gulf I was easier), the response would be positive. However, from time to time I would run into a situation where someone had already joined the USAR. Since the IRR list I had was assigned to my area/station and my responsibility, I would ask how they came to be in the USAR. The most cited circumstance would be "a phone call from ARPERSCOM/HR PERSCOM" or " a call from the IRR in St. Louis". Of course I was mystified as to why another "recruiter" would be calling from the IRR. I finally put it together when I started receiving another list, usually after a butt chewing from my Station Commander or 1SG for my USAR IRR transfers not showing up at their USAR units to drill. The list is called "IRR No Show". It lists those persons assigned by orders to a USAR TPU from the IRR that did not report for duty on a drill weekend. Amazingly, none of them were transfers that I had done! I was required to contact those folks and find out what the deal was. In almost every case, they had received a phone call from ARPERSCOM/HR PERSCOM asking them about interest in a TPU! You guessed it, SLAMMED! Just for saying, "yeah I thought about it." To add insult to injury so to speak, some, never knowing they had been transferred, would receive a "reenlistment" packet. Transfers from the IRR to a TPU usually have a minimum enlistment period of 1 year. That's usually not an issue since most soldiers going into the IRR after an initial enlistment of the standard 4 X 4 contract, (4 active, 4 IRR = 8 Military Statuatory Obligation or obligated service time; the date is on your DD 214, all zeros if you served over 8 years or were put out on a "bad" discharge, otherwise it will be a date 8 years from the time you first shipped to Basic Training). Sometimes however, IRR soldiers would have less than one year remaining in the IRR. The "reenlistment" packet would have the standard DD Form 4 Enlistment Contract, and instructions on where to go to have the oath administered and how to fill it out. Often times they would be received months after the phone call, but comveniently back dated for you!

Now the good news! First off, a Recruiter in a Recruiting Station under USAAC's command, can not do this, (it was abused by them in the past). The last I'm aware of, an IRR transfer by a field recruiter requires a signed 4187 (Personnel Action Request) from you and 2 forms of photo ID, usually your Military ID and Driver's License. These are verified by the Station Commander, and requires his/her interviewing you, usually a telephone call. Your height and weight are verified and your physical status is verified either by database, or certification by you on a form (forgot the form name) that your condition has not changed since your last physical. All of this is submitted to USAAC and in due time your orders and information are received by the USAR unit you VOLUNTARILY AGREED to join, and off you go to weekend warrior heaven! This is not the Slamming I mentioned above.

The slamming occurs only by the IRR personnel that call you from St. Louis. They apparently are authorized to act as "verifying agent" on your vocal agreement" (yeah right) to join a USAR TPU. They have no requirement to have anything signed beforehand, although I do believe you are required to sign for receipt of the orders mailed to you, and use current (or not so current) database information about your fitness for duty assignment, (I was actually screamed at for putting a 5 foot 250 plus pound guy in a USAR unit, yup, slammed). Now before you have a coronary, relax. You will not be arrested for being AWOL if you don't comply, even though you may never know you were suppossed to. You will not be given a bad discharge, you already have your DD 214 and Honorable Discharge Certificate (great wall paper btw!). The only thing I am aware of, is that there will be an annotation on your record that you were an IRR No Show. Although even that pisses me off, it's really of no consequence. Even if at some future time you decide to go back in to Active/Reserve/Guard, only your DD 214 will be used for character of service and eligibility. It will not impact on your VA benefits, or retirement or disability. Just be cautious of any calls you receive from St. Louis.

Involuntary mobilization from the IRR is another matter altogether. You will know beyond a doubt that is what it is. The orders themselves will so state. That call will come from IRR Mobilization, and usually result in assignment to an Active unit as a "roundout" "filler" or "replacement" whatever you prefer to think of it as, but it will usually will not be an assignment to a USAR unit.

Why is slamming done? Dollars and cents is the BLUF. Unit end strength determines a unit's readiness (to go to war) rating by DA. A high readiness rating equals training dollars and equipment purchase/allocation dollars. In some cases it even determines if a unit will continue to exist or be disbanded or relocated to another city/state, or at least have it's mission changed from direct combat/combat support to "Training" status only. It is a great deal more complicated, but imagine the motivation of a Govenor/Congressman/Senator to keep a military unit in their district!

To wrap up my long windedness (grin), I'll tell you the same thing I always told every Prior Service or IRR Soldier I ever worked with; "you know the deal already, now do it on your terms, not theirs!"

Spc Nobody Special

on Nov 05, 2005

Reply By: Nadeon

A little uber-verbose, but thank you for the warning.

singrdave

on Nov 06, 2005

I look forward to my phone call(s).

Moderateman

on Nov 06, 2005

ringggggggggg, ringgggggggg... hey! I am here to tell you about all the wonderfull offers you can have if you just think about joining the reserves, see the world, meet new people, get paid vacations..... heh heh heh

pseudosoldier

on Nov 06, 2005

I am here to tell you about all the wonderfull offers you can have if you just think about joining the reserves

College money. Don't forget the college money.

Spc Nobody Special

on Nov 06, 2005

"and you'll get to kill forty, maybe fifty people....."

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