Oh, my, God.
Published on November 19, 2007 By Spc Nobody Special In Humor
No really. So I've been in country for seven or eight weeks, and I wake up with a mesquito bite. Under and slightly to the left of my erm, junk. Okay, that's weird. Next morning, I've got a goose egg, so I go in, see an med type assistant who says I've got an infected lymph node and puts me on Keflex. Twelve hours later I wake up and my legs turning purple down to halfway down my thigh. Hmmm......this might not be good.

So after seeing a real doctor, "Usually, people come in before it gets this bad." When I told him it had been two days, he kinda changed his snide tune and very nicely sent me to the hospital to have it lanced, (yikes!) or be put on antibiotics.

Apparently it turns out that fungal infections, (a very mild case of athletes foot that went away), causing an inflamed lymph node, which in turn got a secondary infection of the infamous METHICILIN RESISTANT STAPH!!!!, leading to a extended tertiary (i think that word still applies here) infection consisting of necrotizing fascitis in the thigh is bad. (Short version read flesh eating bacteria = no good.) Meh. It didn't hurt, outside of a big bump that kind of chafed when I walked.

Second day or so, while I'm in the critical care ward, on IV antibiotics, feeling like the biggest pogue this side of creation, in walks THE 4-star General Petreaus, big as brass and twice and real. He starts walking down the ward, shaking hands, and passing out purple hearts and coins.

Him with the first guy, "How you doing son, what happened to you?" "Oh sir, an RPG came in through the hatch of our bradley, and I took a lot of shrapnel to the face." "That's terrible. Have you got a Purple Heart yet?" "Yes sir." "Well here, have a coin. Good luck to you."

Next guy, "So what happened to you?" "Sir, I was just about to go home on leave, and I was going to get a haircut when a mortar hit right outside of the barbershop." "Well, you'll get to spend some more time with your wife in Germany. Has he got his purple heart yet? No? Here's your purple heart son. Drink a beer for me." "Yes sir."

Next guy, same kind of thing,

Next guy, same thing,

Me............ Hand shake, "So what happened to you son? Sir, I've got a antibiotic resistant staph infection and they had to hospitalize me to put me on IV antibiotics."

Long pause............

Next guy," So how are you doing? What happened to you?"

I didn't feel right again until some airforce cat on a three month deployment came in with kidney stones.

Yeah. If you ever want to flash your genitals to the maximum number of flag officers (colonel or higher) possible, I would recommend this disease to almost anyone. Hell, I had a full bird colonel changing my dressing. I caught up on my knitting, (an awesome celtic braid type cable knit grey scarf and hat) and I do have to say when that bad boy on my leg finally popped a week later and I was out of the hospital with my pants packed with gauze, I got any number of curious/interested looks from female passersby. It was like the cucumber scene in Spinal Tap.

My thanks to whoever sent all the Superman pillows, and the quilts all over the ceilings of the wards. Also, to the children of my hometown (Garland, Tx.) who apparently sent cards to the hospital (not for me) that I saw up on the wall while talking to a nice Ugandan security guy about the strong Christian values in his country, Idi Amin, and the man's father's seven wives.

Gotta love Iraq.

More leave time goodies tommorow,
Yours Truly,
NBS

Comments
on Nov 19, 2007

A. Congrats on meeting Petraeus.

 

B. You have terrible luck with wierd health issues.

 

C. I don't think that even having junk the size of St. Louis would help you with the ladies.

on Nov 19, 2007

You should have looked him in the eyes and said, "Sir, I got an infectious lump in my crotch, wanna see?"  Then flashed his stars with what you had that was "big as brass and twice and real" ;~D

Why let the field grade officers get all the flash?

on Nov 19, 2007
You have the same luck I do. Your torment perked up my morning. It's the sadist in me, thanks for writing such a great article. AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO PHOTOGRAPH YOUR ...INJURIES.
on Nov 19, 2007
you life is definitely not boring!
on Nov 19, 2007
Why is, after reading this article and the replies, that I'm picturing the scene from Forrest Gump where he was telling Kennedy that he was shot in the buttocks?
on Nov 19, 2007
heal quickly! infections of any kind just suck big time. maybe you can put in for a pink heart {watered down version of a purple} or as I call em the Kerryheart, you know where a splinter in a combat zone gets you another purple heart.
on Nov 19, 2007
Could of told the General, "Sir I want to do the best job I can sir so I grew another nut just so I could bust it for the country I love!"
on Nov 19, 2007
Bummer on the infection though. With it being in the lymph system that's trouble. Heal fast!
on Nov 19, 2007

Do you realize how lucky you are?  NecFasc is no fun - I've seen it spead an inch in an hour on my dad's leg.  You're lucky you've still got working junk, dude - actually, you're lucky you've got junk at ALL.

I'm with AD about what you should've said to Gen P.  That would've been hilarious!

on Nov 19, 2007

You have the same luck I do. Your torment perked up my morning. It's the sadist in me, thanks for writing such a great article. AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO PHOTOGRAPH YOUR ...INJURIES.

Well, I cannot say exactly that, but you did bring a big smile today (on a very bad day!).  Purple hearts only are not everything!  You got a purple leg!

on Nov 20, 2007

You got purple junk !

 

 

Fixed.

on Nov 20, 2007
tainted


Apt word choice.

on Nov 20, 2007
Glad you are healed B.
Sorry you had to go through that at all. insurgent mossies indeed!