Washington - March 6, 2007
In a surprise move by acting Secretary of the Army Peter Green, the Department of the Army has decided on the ninth major change to the Kevlar body armor in the past three years. Although unorthodox, the doctors at Walter Reed have announced a new surgical technique that will allow soldiers to be tattooed, head to foot with liquid Kevlar.
Critics of the program call it ludicrous, insane, and immoral. Others wonder why the Army hasn't thought of it sooner. Says prototype testing infantryman PFC Snuffy, "Sure, you can't move much when it's cold outside, but it allows for lifelike karate chops and I have movable knee and elbow joints. Just point me in the direction of the enemy and pull the trigger for me."
And well might he rejoice. At a additional weight of only forty lbs, the new "body" armor is tough, reliable, and extremely hard to lose although it makes surgery more difficult. It is almost five lbs lighter than the previous body armor, and allows for a greater range of motion, almost three percent of normal body movement in the joints. Even better, the soldier may be tattooed with Kevlar in almost any camoflauge pattern, ACU, woodland, desert, and urban. However, scientists have not yet been able to alter the skin color after this treatment without the use of spray paint.
Further experiments are currently underway to experiment with nylon straps being permenantly glued to the soldiers' bodies for modular attachments, as well as chopping off one arm and replacing it with a hollow arm shaped Camelback to store water in. Plans to field these new items are to be revealed in 08.
This is your action news reporter,
NBS
(ok, I did write this after getting pissed off about the body armor again. I just found out they're adding even more. In the eighth change in three years, they're adding a Nape pad that attaches to the helmet. Yay. More Kevlar. I can barely move in all that crap now. How great for the Army to add Kevlar protection to the neck and back of the head.
Oh, wait a minute, didn't they have something like that before? Oh yeah. It was the old Kevlar helmet. The one they replaced about five minutes ago with the new MICH helmet. The MICH that removed the kevlar at the bottom and back of the helmet because it created so much of a mobility and hearing problem in the old helmet aside from making it heavy as hell. Like me, the new neck pads are supposed to be arriving in Iraq shortly. Sigh............I know the morons designing all this crap aren't wearing it. )